I had an epiphany today. I run in seven year cycles. Right near the six or seven year mark, for the past 21 years (hey, I try to forget the first 11), I get this crazy thing going on. I don't know why...it's cyclic.
Age 11: Massive life changing year for me. My niece was born and I lost my much coveted title of 'baby of the family'. This was the year I discovered attitude and opinion...I have yet to abandon either, btw. This was the year that my buddy, Ben, and myself began to venture out into 'the woods' on our own (which may not seem big to some but to us it was). This was also the year that my first best friend ever moved away, forcing me to branch out. Boys became a whole new obsession. A big year for a little person.
Age 18: Graduation and the loss of my dear Pa (Grandpa) marked this year. Before that though I spent the early part of the year doing what 18 year old girls do best...partying, playing the field and being all around annoying (I know I was thank you very much). After graduation and the loss of Pa a week later, I came to MO to spend the summer with Grandma. I didn't want to go back to KY for college (I was in looooovvvveee), but Mom pitched a huge fit and I went against my own wishes. Less than six months later I was engaged...why? I wanted away, plain and simple. Being young and dumb (see Mrs. Hines...you were right) I thought 'consequences be damned' and married the spousal unit anyway. Can I add in here that I was healing from my first real heartbreak when I met the spousal unit? Not the most brilliant of times to start a new relationship.
Age 25: Hello US Army...military spouse time, highly educational. You should try it sometime. I had the choice this year to walk away from my marriage, almost did if you want the truth, but decided to stay and became a mom the next year.
Age 32 (present day): bad relationship juju strikes again, only now I'm older and slightly wiser. Melt down leads to frank discussion and a choice for both of us. He knows that I expect better than what he had been giving. This year is going to be harder than it started out. He hasn't laid out what he wants, other than for me to be happy (how cliche). I know he wants in...more emotion than I can show, more than I can give 'cause frankly it isn't there. I am emotionally stunted. So begins another cycle...but I've learned and I'm working through.
Have you ever read the description of an Aquarius? It's like they (whoever they are) wrote down me. There I sit on the screen or piece of paper. The passion for life but cool detachment of emotion. I know this, I've always (ALWAYS) been like this. Self-centered, eccentric...disliking being stuck in one place and senseless show of emotion.
Mom calls me her alien child. She doesn't know how right she is. My brother and sister are also the epitome of their signs (Scorpio and Virgo). Our house was one of chaos if left to deal with each other growing up...we are too different. Age has mellowed us however and though we still are what we are...we don't body slam each other in the front yard during arguments anymore (ahem...that was me getting body slammed btw). My sister worries about me, because of my flighty ways and non-emotional thinking. She, being a Virgo, is fiercely devoted to her spouse because she is irrevocably in love with him...it is her nature. My desire to run and be away from the emotional neediness of mine (who is a true Capricorn) scares her. Mom (a Cancer) is also shocked by this.
So the six/seven year cycle begins again. I look at where I am and as usual see a desire to be elsewhere. This is how it always starts. This time it is more complicated (there are little people involved now...no not leprechauns) and I'm more realistic than I've been in many years. I know that the marketable skills I have do not outmaneuver the hundreds of thousands that have the same or better skills, therefore I have no real means to support myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not above slinging burgers (did that for years) or waiting tables...I don't mind dirty work (hey...don't let your mind wander there)...but soon enough there will be much more competition. I hold no degree, but I'm tenacious.
This puts me in that scary position of 'what do/will I do'...I look at it and say 'what you want to do'. No so much 6/7 years ago, that would have been a freak out question then. Now, I shrug and add it to the list of tasks to conquer. I'm slowly evolving, taking things a bit more lightly (not everything, just some) and learning to roll with life. I plan, I prepare...but lately, I've become more and more determined to live and enjoy this life for what it is. I have a lesson to be learned, a truth to be gained or a secret to discover in this go around. There is a knowledge out there that I am suppose to acquire for the next go around. I haven't done it yet...but I will!
P.S. I drowned a spider the size of a mouse today in soapy dish water. Damn thing came out of nowhere, jumping on my arm when I stuck my hand in the sink. Under normal circumstances I would have allowed the poor eight legged freak to live, putting him outside. BUT the massive idiot jumped on my f'ing arm while I was sticking my hands into water and scared the bejesus out of me...it had to die. Of course, I then had to fish the soggy freak out of the water and start all over with the dishes. Friggin' thing was HUGE, all spread out in it's dead wet state it covered my palm. Just thought I'd share.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
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